Why I can't get a job #4

In this entry of my ongoing series "why I can't get a job" I am going to discuss my most successful work to date. This was actually an unsolicited sales pitch in an attempt to get my name out there, unfortunately ATF and Homeland security databases were not the kind of places I was trying to get my name:

My groundbreaking advertising plans never seem to be fully understood. In this ad I was attempting to sell a product in a previously untouched market.

The product: Guns

The market: Children

There appears to be some sort of legal issues with selling guns to children. Morally though, I seem to be in the clear. At least, that is what big business execs. tell me.

Why I can't get a job #3

Entry #3 in my explanation of why I can't get a job highlights perfectly what is wrong with the current business world. They all want advertising that speaks to the youth of America, but make no effort to understand that market.

Ok, so the company is a flavoured oatmeal company called Oatmeal Pronto. What they need: An ad that speaks to the youth of America. Holy crap! This was it, if I could sell oatmeal to kids, I was set, I mean, what the hell kind of kid eats oatmeal? Who wouldn't hire me, people would be all like, hey, that's that guy that got all the kids of America eating oatmeal. I had a hard road ahead of me. So, I sat down and considered everything I know about kids:
1: Kids do whatever cartoon characters tell them
2: Kids love drugs
3: Kids are all little bastards
4: Kids hate clingy shit
5: Given the chance kids will kill their parents and institute a pseudo religion following the teachings of he who walks behind the rows.

I gathered all my thoughts, began working and within a half hour had assembled a masterpiece of advertising:

Didn't get the job. Apparently "tastes cling free" doesn't make sense. And implying kids like crack is not PC. My recommendation to change the name from Oatmeal Pronto to Crack-Ho oatmeal (to better reach the kids of course) was considered insulting and degrading. On the upside my artwork was said to be one step above kindergarten level. Go me.

Why I can't get a job #2

Continuing on in my explanation of why I can't get a job here is part two:

This is a logo I was working on to bid for a job for a flower company. It was meant to be both elegant, and accessible. The font was selected to present an image of casual professionalism, a brush script that isn't meant to look like it was written by hand, but crafted instead. This turned out all well and good, and ultimately I almost got the job. The request came for a door sign, something that would draw people in and make them feel welcome. I was stumped. What would draw people into a flower shop? So I sat down and thought. Who shops at flower shops? Husbands in the dog house that's who. Why do they buy flowers? To get back in good with the wife that's why. What is the one thing all family men want? No family, that's what. And so I assembled my masterpiece, a gimmick that would bring in the customers and a sign that couldn't be misunderstood.

Apparently killing children suddenly isn't PC, and a company promoting such behavior (or selling it for that matter) is not a friendly business (or legal for that matter).

Why I can't get a Job #1

Here is the thing. I started working on a degree many years ago, I finished my associates but never continued on. I keep saying I am going too, but ultimately I know I never will because finishing a degree won't do you any good if you will never be able to find a job in your field. The problem isn't that I am not talented mind you, the problem is the industry just doesn't recognize my genius. So rather than continue to explain this to people, I decided to show them through a series of contract jobs I had attempted to land, but failed. This is part 1:

I had been sent contact information for a business owner who was attempting to retheme his restaurant in an effort to improve sales. I was quick to jump at the opportunity and after a brief conversation with the owner I had an idea that was surefire hit:

They wanted: A theme for their struggling establishment that would bring them back in the spotlight.

I gave them: A goldmine of a theme that would bring in everybody from the shadiest character to the most upright citizen.

Apparently blasphemy is not a good theme for a restaurant.